How Can We Better Understand Each Other?
Reflections on the challenges and opportunities involved in understanding ourselves and each other, and some small humble tips for the same!
Hello Dear,
I hope and trust that you are doing well and are striving to make the best of your life. I for one am suffering from a bout of self-doubt of some sort, which makes me rather ill at ease. I am sitting down to share my thoughts with you nevertheless, in the twofold hope that I am able to provide some value to you and also that writing could help me feel better about myself!🙂
So why am I ill at ease? For one, during the past 2-3 days or so, I happened to get engaged in some rather time-consuming professional discussions (most of which was incidentally on messaging platforms, not in person). And as is most often the case, I was quite vocal in sharing my views, thoughts, beliefs and perspectives. Now, we have already discussed the troubling dynamics of sharing ideas in the following post.
Yes, sharing ideas is at least a double-edged sword, if not a multi-headed hydra. On the one hand, I have always been a strong votary and believer in the need for all communities, including informal and formal orgainizations and social institutions, to create and nurture a culture where people are able to express freely and fully. I think this is one of the principal reasons which draw me into conversations and discussions, provided they are on issues which I believe matter and should matter to the community.
On the other hand, when we share ideas, if we do the sharing freely, we are almost invariably sharing a slice of ourselves too. We are opening ourselves to others, we are making ourselves vulnerable, we are exposing our vulnerabilities. In fact, this reminds me of what one senior colleague once told me: that everyone in the Indian Information Service (the civil service to which I belong) knows what and how I think. Well, my approach has been that, this is fine, I am ok with sharing my thoughts, even in making myself look like a fool. Come to think of it, as I told IIS Officer Trainees, at a session I took for them two months ago, the ability to laugh at oneself and to laugh with others when they laugh at us is an essential life skill.
Even then, the problem with being vocal and expressive is that we might think or feel or believe strongly about something now, but tomorrow or later, we might come to doubt ourselves. Even if we did not mean ill for anyone, it could be possible that we doubt whether we should have said what we said. Indeed, sharing one’s thoughts in a community also raises the question of how much of one’s thoughts and hence oneself we must keep private, and how much it is appropriate to disclose and “share” with others.
As such, I have been holding for long, that this is an absolutely non-trivial question and problem of life:
When to shut up and when to speak up? How do we decide this in general, and in each situation?
I find this to be a very interesting question. Come to think of it, just like most other questions we have been reflecting upon, this is applicable not just to individuals, but also to groups such as families, communities, formal organizations and even nations. In the context of governance and communication, the question could take the following form:
What are the kinds of matters on which a government should communicate with its people? What kinds of information should it share with them, and how often? What kinds of information is it appropriate for the government to not share? How do we make these decisions in the public good?
I find that there is a definitive need for governments across the world to have clear answers to these questions, and to then build the institutional capacity and administrative framework to take the actions which those answers demand. In this context, here is an article I had written, on the need for a national communication policy for India. [I had written this originally in August 2013 or so, as part of a newsletter assignment as part of our IIS Training; I was able to get it published in The Quint in 2016].
Ok, coming back to my doubts and misgivings regarding the views I shared, let me share a piece of reflection which could give us some consolation in our moments of doubt.
Of course, there is the definite danger that we might invoke this quote to tell ourselves that our doubts originate due to our intelligence, and hence that there is no reason for worry, while actually, the doubt must have arisen precisely because we were plain wrong, not because we are intelligent! But yes, I think it is best that we do not take ourselves and hence our opinions too seriously; better to doubt our knowledge and beliefs, than be certain of them. What say? Not sure! This is another fundamental question about faith, doubt and belief. Hope to explore more on this later.😊
Well, taking a different route now, I think what my doubts regarding the sharing of ideas in groups signify and bring to the surface is a fundamental challenge of our time, a challenge which has in large part been exacerbated due to social media. This is the challenge of engaging in meaningful and respectful conversations with each other, and in understanding each other. Let me now share some a series of five short reflections I have written on these themes.
[Beginning of a reflection I wrote in June 2023]
On Understandings and Ununderstandings
Life is a lot about understanding oneself and others, right?
If that be so, it is very interesting how it is so difficult to get this right.
At multiple points in life, we might find ourselves thinking that no one understands us.
One interesting question here is:
When would such a thought - that no one understands me - be more painful? Would it be more painful if actually no one understands me? Or would it be more painful if others understand me but even then I think no one understands me (the real problem being that I do not understand others)?
Interestingly, each situation can be mistaken for the other! (Can there be overlap too between the two?)
Well, suppose no one actually understands you. And suppose in addition that the point of view you are expressing is in fact right. Now, it is bad enough if others don't understand you; and on top of that, if you are right as well, it is more unfortunate, right?
I think this is a fundamental pain we need to engage with and be ready to suffer if we have to progress in life and in "service" as well.
And I have been thinking that even and especially since it is painful, it is a great blessing and privilege.
One could even argue that if most others understand you well enough, this only means that your ideas are not good enough, your example, your life not inspiring enough.
It shows that we need to think harder, be more humble, less smug and self-satisfied, aim higher, strive harder, dig deeper, go wider and fly farther.
This highlights, in part, the distinction between being popular and being right. This is one of the problems about democracy itself, since it elects "popular leaders" and rewards populism, what is popular, and not necessarily - and often, not - what is good, right and wise. Especially since it is easier to manage and programme the populace, easier and more convenient to manage perception than reality! Never mind it is less honourable; or so goes the thinking.
I think this is the very reason behind the incompleteness of what we often tend to regard as complete entities. This is why we cannot fully understand the other. Why we cannot complete reading a good book. Why we cannot complete watching a good film, or like I was telling a fellow officer yesterday, we cannot complete writing a press release. Or why we cannot complete living our lives.
The unsaid, the incomplete, which remains ununderstood is a great opportunity, and a privilege as well.
Based on this, we should perhaps say, "Seek first to be ununderstood, rather than to be understood" and also "Seek to ununderstand, rather than to understand"? At the very minimum, we should understand that we have ununderstood?
[End of the reflection I wrote in June 2023]
[Beginning of a reflection I wrote in December 2022]
On The Courage To Be Misunderstood
The problem in life is not that we don't understand each other. The problem is our belief that others can and hence should understand us and our resulting angst in others not understanding us despite us understanding them.
And a path to a solution, I think, is to realize and also always remember that true understanding goes hand in hand with deep misunderstandings, even and especially with those closest to us. The closer we become and the more authentically we express, the deeper we reveal ourselves to we ourselves and to each other, the more ground this provides for misunderstandings.
The path to a solution, in other words, is to realize that for understanding to emerge, one must be patient enough to endure repeated episodes of misunderstandings and deep pain.
One must detach oneself from the need, desire and longing to be understood.
One must rather find delight or at least peace - not masochistic delight but self-mortifying delight and peace - in being misunderstood.
One must be willing to be misunderstood yet not abandon the attempt to make oneself understood to one's beloved ones who may be yearning to understand us, yet not get disheartened if and when they are not able to understand us.
And one must be willing to accept that we ourselves are highly deficient in our understanding of others, in ways we cannot and may never see.
In particular, we must understand that understanding others involves the understanding that they may not be ever able to understand us! And that presuming that others should be able to understand us completely is itself a fundamental way in which we fail to understand others - and hence ourselves.
We must understand that love is even above understanding, that unconditional love demands not even understanding; it is ready to offer itself even and especially when understanding has broken down.
Though of course, the attempt to understand and to make oneself understood - the ever-incomplete and beautiful project and mission of communication - is indeed #NotJust integral to love.
#NotJust Good #NotJust night / day! 🥰💐
[Enf of the reflection I wrote in December 2022]
[Beginning of a reflection I wrote in June 2023]
The Case for and Difficulty of Discovering Ourselves in Deep Conversations
I think it is becoming more and more difficult for us to engage in the difficult conversations which matter.
This is especially because conversations which truly matter demand deep empathy, patience, humility, open-mindedness and an extraordinary willingness to listen to the other at a deep level. Not Just to what is said, but to the values, beliefs, assumptions, presumptions and paradigms from which what is said is said.
And almost always, the assumptions are multi-layered. I.e., suppose A is what I said, the position I hold. A flows from an underlying set of assumptions, say B1 and B2. And B1 in turn flows from another set of assumptions, say C1, C2 and C3, and B2 from C4 and C5. And there can be further layers.
Here, assumptions is a shorthand for worldview - which comprises values, beliefs, principles, assumptions and presumptions.
So, to really together explore the point of discussion, i.e., A, it would be necessary to traverse at least the deeper levels mentioned above, in this case, examining B1, B2 and C1 - C5! Similarly, the other person involved in communication would have his or her own worldviews, which too demand similar exploration.
No wonder genuine conversation and communication is difficult, and we settle for stopgap arrangements all too often. But then, when we take the effort, the impact could be nothing short of life-changing.
Most of all, coming to such shared understandings - shared points of view about the future - help us realize the real goal of communication - Unity and hence to make conscious communication unnecessary!
Postscript: the above reflection has been prompted in part by a kind of deep angst about the unfulfilled quest to immerse myself and ourselves in such conversations, to do nothing but that... but that is life...and yes, I believe we are all, of course myself included, afraid of truth, beauty and goodness, which is but one factor which makes us avoid such conversations 🙂😊💐
[End of the reflection I wrote in June 2023]
[Beginning of a piece of reflection I wrote in August 2023]
Listening Deeply To Ourselves
Brief Idea:
One key to success in modern life is the ability to lose the phone everyday (I would classify this as an un-idea, a deeply wrong idea, which can hence become deeply right with some refinement).
The essential distinctive ability of the "communicator" is to listen deeply first of all to oneself, to the reverberations of the heart, to the cosmic vibrations of the collective soul of humanity, to the eternal dance and admixture of hopes, beliefs, aspirations, prejudices, fears, insecurities, yearnings of the human soul, to the soul's most heartfelt, most purest, most enduring, most timeless, most painful yet most ignored cries for authentic expression, acknowledgement, understanding, belonging, unconditional acceptance, unbounded love and to its finite as well as infinite potentialities for true being and becoming.
In listening to oneself most deeply, we listen to others as well; and vice versa. Allowing us to better countenance the unity of the consciousness, the soul, which but envelopes and clothes all of us.
All of the human unhappiness comes from one single thing: not knowing how to remain at rest in a room. - Blaise Pascal
[End of the piece of reflection I wrote in August 2023]
[Beginning of a piece of reflection I wrote in July 2023]
On Breakdowns in Communication
Often, communication breaks down not because people don't understand each other, it breaks down when we realize that the other person / group / party disagrees with our conclusion / position, and we don't have the courage and patience to explain ourselves, our reasoning, our belief and why we believe so. We don't have the courage and patience to ask the other person and find out about them, to let them explain themselves, their reasoning, their belief and why they believe so.
In this sense, communication breaks down when people understand that they disagree, when they understand that the other person does not understand them, and when they confront the uncomfortable reality that they don't have the patience and courage to resolve the gaps in understanding, to possibly learn that they may have been wrong, and when they gloss over their insecurities and inadequacies and assume that they are right, the others wrong, and decide to let the disagreement be, even without an attempt to understand why they disagree!
[End of a piece of reflection I wrote in July 2023]
So, let us stop with these reflections for today. Two things before I sign off. One, apart from the doubts I mentioned at the beginning of this post, another doubt which has been making me uncomfortable is whether I should really be continuing this One Doubt Please #NotJust Newsletter! You know, we already discussed the pitfalls of shortness, in the last post below.
So, my doubt has been whether I should be aiming at something longer, than these posts, which individually are rather short, though longer than tweets of course. 😊 And the hope, as we discussed in the above post, is that longer would and could also mean deeper! What say?
And lastly, especially since we talked quite a bit about the difficulties involved in understanding each other and in engaging in meaningful conversations, let me recommend this book for today: Discordant Democrats, by Arun Maira, former Member of the erstwhile Planning Commission of the Government of India. [I think I read this in 2013 or 2014, and yes, I loved it. Even recently, I used this book in providing suggestions to a committee which was tasked with evolving a framework for a professional brainstorming session.]
Fine then, thank you for being here with me! Please let me know your thoughts in the comments section, or at newdheep@gmail.com. Thank you! - Dheep.